Writing here and starting this blog was an easy decision(probably the easiest decision I’ve made in a very long time).
I want to be honest here. No sugar coating.
I’m a mom, wife, friend, human. I’m also morbidly obese, diagnosed with depression, PTSD and eating disorder called BAD –Binge Eating Disorder .
First of all ,I don’t like how it’s called. In my personal opinion it doesn’t describe the seriousness of it. You can binge watch “Orange is the new black ” on Netflix, but binge eating?
I was not convinced.
I was also very very wrong ,and if you know me in person- YOU KNOW for a FACT that I absolutely hate to be wrong.
But anyway ,that was long time ago. Let’s focus on what is now.
I’m currently busy with my therapy and this blog is going to be an active part of it.
So let’s start day by day.
I had my therapy session in the morning.
We have talked about the last few weeks. They were pretty rough ,I binged a lot.
The last meeting before Christmas I find out that my cholesterol is very high. It was horrible to hear it . I was shocked . I cried the whole way back home. It was a wake up call. But hey, I don’t give up that easily ,so after I came back home I started with what I thought in my opinion were small steps- use less fat milk for example. Me, the milk lover. Then I decide to not put sugar in my coffee anymore. My dietitian told me to do it step by step ,but I got so scared, I panicked. My results are so bad ,I need to change immediately. It back fired later on with binge eating. That feels like shit. But before it feels like shit , It actually feels good . Not sure for how long it feels that way .When it happens ,time stops/or passes very fast.
I can’t hear anything around me. To explain it better – when I binge eat ,you can be standing in front of me, telling me that I have just won 600 mln $ and I will not hear it at all. I’m in my own safe bubble that my brain created specially for me.
The “fun” part starts after the bubble bursts .
If you want to see me when I think absolutely the worst about myself -that is the time to do it.
Few months back I would be considering vomiting ,because it will be like I didn’t binge at all. I can do it when the house is empty ,nobody will hear it ,so it’s like it didn’t happen. Perfect solution !
I still think about doing it sometimes. Like for example yesterday ,after eating enormous amount of cookies and baklava. I didn’t do it .I was able to convince myself that it was not a good idea. Vomiting doesn’t really make me feel any better. That’s when I actually think the lowest about myself .
Today I didn’t binge. It was a long day. I ate like I should. I used less milk in my coffee ,didn’t eat any cookies. I do know however, that there are 3 pieces of baklava in the fridge. I try not to think about them . There were 6 baklavas in that box. I ate 3 already a day before. How I am going to explain it to the rest ? I can eat it all by myself and then nobody will ever know that we had them in the first place…. but then, after that I will need to eat more. 3 pieces of baklava will not be enough.
It’s almost time to go to bed. I think I’m hungry. I might be just thirsty .I can’t stop thinking about food. It makes me feel sad that I think about it so much.