never give up – Heavy Side of Life

I’m extremely busy nowadays.

I’m in my second week of a new job.

Also, I’m going to finish treatment for my eating disorder very soon.

It’s because I am magically cured after almost 1,5 years of treatment.

Or am I ?

I can tell you know with full honesty that I am not cured. I don’t believe that you can be cured from that. It is a danger that I will always have to be very aware of. It is after all addiction, although I know many do not like to call it that way.

When I struggled with my postpartum depression ,I got a one year treatment. My insurance company strongly believed that after 12 months, therapy does magic and simply fixes everything. Well it doesn’t , but if you can pay 100 Euro, per hour they can fix me a little bit more.

But then it’s your responsibility. If you still need treatment after 12 months it means you didn’t do your best perhaps you didn’t try hard enough. So the last meeting payed by my insurance company looked like a joke. In about 45 minutes ,like in a Disney movie I was made to believe that everything that could be done, was done. And if I was not cured ,then oh well…I could pay some more to get better this time. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough in the past year?

And I stil there like an alien, back to square one. Full of doubts and even more questions .

Because we, depressed people are so good with that ! We can handle all setbacks so well. And we just love the self doubt ! ….Not.

So this happened to me 7 years ago.4 years later I ended up heavily depressed ,burned out, with diagnosed Ptsd and an eating disorder.

Since then I came a long way. I have truly and literally faced my demons .

We are not friends yet, most likely we will never be .But we are learning to understand each other. We are ,after all on my side.

So yea,since this treatment is going to end soon, we ,and if it was not clear enough yet- WE=my demons and me – are a little bit worried. Full of hope. But fuck,we are worried.

We did learn a few things in the meantime . We have no filter. We look forward to what is coming next. We are fragile. We are very sensitive, we don’t know it all, but we are still here, working and fighting to get better, and we are not giving up, I can, Dear Reader, promise you that.

I binged yesterday.

I hide the food that I ate from everyone.

I put the candy papers in the bin, and then covered them with other stuff. Then I put some food to my bag. You know ,like the old times, and took it with me upstairs, to watch some TV on my laptop. Then I hid the food under the pillow, so my husband couldn’t see it, in case he would come to check on me. Then when everyone went to bed, I ate some more. I covered some things in the toilet paper and then threw them in our bin in the toilet. You can’t tell that it’s food .Nobody will ever find out. The rest I decided to throw away outside the house. I knew I had to do some shopping next day, so with this came another possibility to hide stuff.

I didn’t think straight. I was at my lowest.

I was forced to make some kind of test that would check how smart I am for my job interview.

The results were not good. There it was ,almost on paper, screaming to me – “YOU ARE STUPID”.

I hate those tests. I want to believe that it doesn’t define who I am, but It feels like I am not strong enough to do that.

Since I’m fat & ugly (and no, I’m not looking for pity by saying this, just admitting the facts ) ,I was hoping that maybe I do have some brains instead.

And then when I started to binge, I got my confirmation. “You are not only ugly and fat,you are indeed also stupid.I mean look at yourself now.Look what you are doing to yourself!!!That can only be descirbe as stupid.You are such a looser.How are you still alive?!” – I kept telling myself over and over again. I cried a lot in silence. At home,only my dog knew that something was wrong ,and didn’t want to leave my side.

Today I didn’t binge.

I shared my worries with a friend .

“I’m still alive,I’m still here”

While I had my PTSD treatment , we were told to say out loud ,what is the one thing about us,that we are the most proud of. I couldn’t think of anything.

When it was my turn to speak ,I said without any hesitation “The thing ,that I’m most proud about myself is that I never give up.”

Yesterday was a setback. Today is a new day, and I refuse to give up.

Tag: never give up

Me & my demons.

Stupid