Tag: mental abuse

War

~ heavysideoflife ~ Leave a comment

Writing this is not easy. I’m a mom myself,and just thought that there will come a day when my child will blame me for all her issues or unhappiness scares the shit out of me. I’m sure that at some point she will realize how fucked up her mom actually can be.I hope that she will still like to have me around and tell me stuff.That she will not be cringing every mothers day ,like I do ,because I can stand people bragging how great they moms are/or were.

The same thing applies to dads. Equaly. 

I have no clue how to be  a good mom. I don’t even know how to be an “ok” mom. 

The only thing I do know for sure,that I will do my best to give my daughter  all that I didn’t have when I was young. Especially now,when I know for the fact that when I was her age my issue with food was already a long time out there. And nope,we don’t talk about material stuff. 

I want her to feel that she is loved ,just the way she is. That she is enough & worthy all the good stuff.

I keep on noticing more and more, how much my issues with food are connected with the way I was raised and it really breaks my heart. Yesterday was one of those days when I was thinking about not disappointing my dad,because he wanted me to do something for him.

I didn’t do what he asked.It was not a big deal but he could easily do it himself and he most definitely didn’t need my help.He lied to someone and I was supposed to get an info for him,since he was “not in the country at the moment” .

He keeps complaining that my siblings never call him anymore,but at the same time every time he is calling them,he wants something,or he keeps on complaining how messy his life is and how he hopes that everything will fall in the right place eventually . Calls with me are no different. When I’m about to hang up,I usually get to hear what was the real purpose of the call. He keeps on calling me now ,as I am writing this ,because he probably wants to know how the things went yesterday. Since I didn’t pick up ,he would try facetime ,or maybe email me, or use  social media to contact me and check if I did what he had asked. 

He will spend all that time trying to contact me,while he could easily make a call himself to and find out everything.

This situation makes my whole body so uncomfortable. Stress levels are very high. The need to eat something is very present ,and it’s damn strong. I want it to stop.I hate to feel this way. I hate how small I feel when he does that, even though he is thousands kilometers away .

If I call him back,he will win. So I’m not going to do it,at least not now. Maybe later,because the guilt I feel inside will not let me get on with my life.

This is ridiculous. 

It’s a war between me and me to not binge right  now and I deserve to win .

Hear me out.

~ heavysideoflife ~ 2 Comments

” I’m smarter than you.

I look better in this sweater .

You have a big mouth.

Are you sure you are going to eat that?

You are not pretty.

Nobody will want someone as fat as you are.

Your belly is not as flat as mine.

Your boobs are way too big.

You are such a brad.

You are stupid.

Is there really nothing that you can do right?

Do you even have a brain ?

You are too dumb to study (….)

I don’t know from whom you inherit this kind of behaviour,for sure not from me.

You are a loser.

Why can’t you be as smart as your cousin? 

Look how thin she is,you can never be like her.

I have never been abroad so it’s ridiculous that you are going to Paris .

Why the hell can’t you play keyboards as well as your cousin ?

You need to do this (….) because your cousin is already busy with it.

It is not fair that you have better chances in life than me.

I wish I’ve never had you.

I could have left before you were born,but I stayed for you.

I could have just twisted your neck when you were tiny, since you stood on the way to my career. “

These should be in the book about  “How to not talk to your kids or/and your loved ones”. What do you do when you hear things like every day for  for years, decades ? You believe in them. I know I did.

It all makes sense now.

When the phone rings, and it’s one of the people who you would call “parents” (well actually my dad only at this point, my mom doesn’t give a shit about me),I immediately search for food. First I check around the table, then I scan the room, then I think about what I have in the fridge that I could possibly eat (or nub) while I talk to  them( I also  think about the food that I can eat after the conversation). That explains a lot.

There. It’s out. I had to write it down. It gives me some kind of satisfaction ,strength. Why?

Because first of all , I don’t believe in it anymore. I call it bullshit. If you say or think about me this way, it means you have absolutely no idea who I am. I’m not stupid. I’m not too dumb to do stuff. I can actually  do a lot of things -from very useless to very useful, so never underestimate me .I’m not model type skinny. I never was ,nor ever will be. 

I don’t have a flat belly, and it might be that even if I lose enough weight it will never be completely flat.

I’m not my mom, or my dad. I’m not my cousin. I’m not anybody else. I’m not my weight. I’m not my depression. I’m not my PTSD .I’m not my eating disorder. 

I’m me & that is good enough.