Tag: food

Stupid

~ heavysideoflife ~ Leave a comment

I binged yesterday.

I hide the food that  I ate from everyone.

I put the candy papers in the bin, and then covered them with other stuff. Then I put some food to my bag. You know ,like the old times, and took it with me upstairs, to watch some TV on my laptop. Then I hid the food under the pillow, so my husband couldn’t see it, in case he would come to check on me. Then when everyone went to bed, I ate some more. I covered some things in the toilet paper and then threw them in our bin in the toilet. You can’t tell that it’s food .Nobody will ever find out. The rest I decided to throw away outside the house. I knew I had to do some shopping next day, so with this came another possibility to hide stuff.

I didn’t think straight. I was at my lowest. 

I was forced to make some kind of test that would check how smart I am for my job interview.

The results were not good. There it was ,almost on paper, screaming to me – “YOU ARE STUPID”. 

I hate those tests. I want to believe that it doesn’t define who I am, but It feels like I am not strong enough to do that.

Since I’m fat & ugly (and no, I’m not looking for pity by saying this, just admitting the facts ) ,I was hoping that maybe I do have some brains instead. 

And then when I started to binge, I got my confirmation. “You are not only ugly and fat,you are indeed also stupid.I mean look at yourself now.Look what you are doing to yourself!!!That can only be descirbe as stupid.You are such  a looser.How are you still alive?!” –  I kept telling myself over and over again. I cried a lot in silence. At home,only my dog knew that something was wrong ,and didn’t want to leave my side. 

Today I didn’t binge.

I shared my worries with a friend .

“I’m still alive,I’m still here”

While I had my PTSD treatment , we were told to say out loud ,what is the one thing about us,that we are the most proud of. I couldn’t think of anything.

When it was my turn to speak ,I said without any hesitation “The thing ,that I’m most proud about myself is that I never give up.”

Yesterday was a setback. Today is a new day, and I refuse to give up.

Trust no one

~ heavysideoflife ~ Leave a comment

I trust no one since roughly 1994.

It’s fairly easy to distrust people .Imagine if you can’t really trust your own body .

I can’t trust mine.

I’m hungry when I’m sad .I’m hungry when I’m happy. I’m hungry when I’m mad .I’m hungry when I’m thirsty, but also, just like others -I’m hungry when I’m hungry.

Because of that I need to eat regularly . If I don’t ,it all goes to shit.

Like yesterday for example. I ate my breakfast very late. It was more a brunch then anything else really, but I didn’t eat enough. I felt miserable ,almost the whole day , my neck was killing me ,and I was just sitting on my couch feeling sorry for myself. On the top of that ,my neck pain ,usually comes together with headache, because why not .

Time went by so quickly ,and before I knew ,I was busy making dinner .After dinner however ,I didn’t eat anything . Well almost anything .I ate two pears , bit of popcorn (butter free popcorn ) ,4-5 small Oreo cookies ,some waffles(no sugar) and some coffee and buckets of my favorite tea. I didn’t binge. Still, I end up going to bed hungry. My head was hurting me so much ,but since it was really late I thought I can manage without food. Why have I done that? Not sure, most likely it was a punishment -I failed to eat how I suppose to, so now naturally I deserve to suffer . I felt like crap .

Right now I’m not even sure why I thought it was a great idea to punish myself in this manner hmmm…. Anyway I promised myself that the next day I will do better.

So far so good.

Heavy side of overthinking

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Day 3 & 4

I was occupied the whole day yesterday. I didn’t binge. I have manage to stay away from baklava for a day.

You know, those 3 pieces that I could not shut up about in previous posts .

After all, they were in the fridge, unnoticed by the rest of the family. I didn’t eat them yesterday though. My first thought was, that my husband is going to find out. I wrote about it here. He was not able to see this blog yet, but once it happens, he is going to judge me. Everyone will judge me.

Today I broke.

This voice in my head was even more intense after I was done eating. “You can always tell him that it was covered with mould, so I throw it away” or “I didn’t want to be tempted so I throw it away “.Then I thought- maybe I should just throw it away ???? On the other hand, it is food, why would I throw away food??? Maybe I should give it to one of my family members? But wait, it’s not a healthy snack, so why would I give it away?

Fucking Baklava.

Overthinking is hell. Overthinking about food is sickness.

Heavy Side of a little bit of everything

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Writing here and starting this blog was an easy decision(probably the easiest decision I’ve made in a very long time).

I want to be honest here. No sugar coating.

I’m a mom, wife, friend, human. I’m also morbidly obese, diagnosed with depression, PTSD and eating disorder called BAD –Binge Eating Disorder .

First of all ,I don’t like how it’s called. In my personal opinion it doesn’t describe the seriousness of it. You can binge watch “Orange is the new black ” on Netflix, but binge eating?

I was not convinced.

I was also very very wrong ,and if you know me in person- YOU KNOW for a FACT that I absolutely hate to be wrong.

But anyway ,that was long time ago. Let’s focus on what is now.

I’m currently busy with my therapy and this blog is going to be an active part of it.

So let’s start day by day.

Day 1.

I had my therapy session in the morning.

We have talked about the last few weeks. They were pretty rough ,I binged a lot.

The last meeting before Christmas I find out that my cholesterol is very high. It was horrible to hear it . I was shocked . I cried the whole way back home. It was a wake up call. But hey, I don’t give up that easily ,so after I came back home I started with what I thought in my opinion were small steps- use less fat milk for example. Me, the milk lover. Then I decide to not put sugar in my coffee anymore. My dietitian told me to do it step by step ,but I got so scared, I panicked. My results are so bad ,I need to change immediately. It back fired later on with binge eating. That feels like shit. But before it feels like shit , It actually feels good . Not sure for how long it feels that way .When it happens ,time stops/or passes very fast.

I can’t hear anything around me. To explain it better – when I binge eat ,you can be standing in front of me, telling me that I have just won 600 mln $ and I will not hear it at all. I’m in my own safe bubble that my brain created specially for me.

The “fun” part starts after the bubble bursts .

If you want to see me when I think absolutely the worst about myself -that is the time to do it.

Few months back I would be considering vomiting ,because it will be like I didn’t binge at all. I can do it when the house is empty ,nobody will hear it ,so it’s like it didn’t happen. Perfect solution !

I still think about doing it sometimes. Like for example yesterday ,after eating enormous amount of cookies and baklava. I didn’t do it .I was able to convince myself that it was not a good idea. Vomiting doesn’t really make me feel any better. That’s when I actually think the lowest about myself .

Today I didn’t binge. It was a long day. I ate like I should. I used less milk in my coffee ,didn’t eat any cookies. I do know however, that there are 3 pieces of baklava in the fridge. I try not to think about them . There were 6 baklavas in that box. I ate 3 already a day before. How I am going to explain it to the rest ? I can eat it all by myself and then nobody will ever know that we had them in the first place…. but then, after that I will need to eat more. 3 pieces of baklava will not be enough.

It’s almost time to go to bed. I think I’m hungry. I might be just thirsty .I can’t stop thinking about food. It makes me feel sad that I think about it so much.

That’s all.