fat – Heavy Side of Life

” I’m smarter than you.

I look better in this sweater .

You have a big mouth.

Are you sure you are going to eat that?

You are not pretty.

Nobody will want someone as fat as you are.

Your belly is not as flat as mine.

Your boobs are way too big.

You are such a brad.

You are stupid.

Is there really nothing that you can do right?

Do you even have a brain ?

You are too dumb to study (….)

I don’t know from whom you inherit this kind of behaviour,for sure not from me.

You are a loser.

Why can’t you be as smart as your cousin?

Look how thin she is,you can never be like her.

I have never been abroad so it’s ridiculous that you are going to Paris .

Why the hell can’t you play keyboards as well as your cousin ?

You need to do this (….) because your cousin is already busy with it.

It is not fair that you have better chances in life than me.

I wish I’ve never had you.

I could have left before you were born,but I stayed for you.

I could have just twisted your neck when you were tiny, since you stood on the way to my career. “

These should be in the book about “How to not talk to your kids or/and your loved ones”. What do you do when you hear things like every day for for years, decades ? You believe in them. I know I did.

It all makes sense now.

When the phone rings, and it’s one of the people who you would call “parents” (well actually my dad only at this point, my mom doesn’t give a shit about me),I immediately search for food. First I check around the table, then I scan the room, then I think about what I have in the fridge that I could possibly eat (or nub) while I talk to them( I also think about the food that I can eat after the conversation). That explains a lot.

There. It’s out. I had to write it down. It gives me some kind of satisfaction ,strength. Why?

Because first of all , I don’t believe in it anymore. I call it bullshit. If you say or think about me this way, it means you have absolutely no idea who I am. I’m not stupid. I’m not too dumb to do stuff. I can actually do a lot of things -from very useless to very useful, so never underestimate me .I’m not model type skinny. I never was ,nor ever will be.

I don’t have a flat belly, and it might be that even if I lose enough weight it will never be completely flat.

I’m not my mom, or my dad. I’m not my cousin. I’m not anybody else. I’m not my weight. I’m not my depression. I’m not my PTSD .I’m not my eating disorder.

I’m me & that is good enough.

I was always told that I have no idea what real hunger means.

As a kid ,I was often forced to eat things, and I was surrounded with so much guilt because of it.

“You should be glad that you have food on your table “

“There are so many hungry kids in Africa and you are going to complain to me , that you don’t like the food or what is even worst, you ain’t going to empty the plate ??!?!?!?!?”

Followed with :

“You are ungrateful “

” You don’t love me “

“You are spoiled “

“You are horrible “

“It’s an insult for me, that you didn’t make your plate empty “

Most of the people who cooked when I was young were convinced that they are the best cooks ever. They were not bothered by cooking, and in their mind , I should be grateful that we have food at all ,since not everybody is so fortunate. This was their mantra.

My mom didn’t cook well at all. It was always the same food. She was never bothered. There was no real order in the kitchen. For example ,breakfast was only there on Sundays ,since my dad was not working on that day . The rest of the days were without breakfast. We did have sandwiches made for school, but it was more so others will not think , that my mother doesn’t take a good care for us.

My dad was into everything meat . Not the best example either ,but I must say It did change after he suffered from heart attack.

I often ate at my grandma’s. Mother of my mother. She was absolutely the worst.

She was making food that I didn’t always like. One time ,she made a soup ,that was simply horrible ,and I ended up vomiting it back on the plate. She forced me then to eat what I had vomited. I will never forget this and how it made me feel. She was so offended. I was staying at her house for about a week at that time, and she didn’t speak to me for several days. I was 5. In the end I was forced to apologize to her ,so she would speak to me again.

After all ,how did I dare not like her cooking???!!!

Since then I strongly believed that if it will ever happen next time, also with others – I can expect the same treatment .

Then came body shaming , food shaming ,bullying & even more confusion.

“Do you realized how many calories this has ??! ”

“Are you sure you are going to eat this ? “

“Why aren’t you as skinny as your cousin ?”

“Nobody will ever love you if you going to be fat “

The point was at that time -I was not fat. I was a not super skinny , but I was not as fat as I was made to believe. I was constantly compared with my cousin . Her body was nothing like mine . But this didn’t matter .The numbers matter . We were the same age ,so it was easy to say what our perfect weight should be . I always had kilo or two more than her ,and therefore -I was fat. Period.

I was about 5/6 years old then .That is also when my binge eating started.

The title of this post is “Hungry” Why ?

Because I’m very uncomfortable with this word. I’m hungry now , and just about to get some lunch. I decided to write something here to not feel so guilty about feeling this way.

My mind keeps on telling me stuff like -they will see you eating again ,they will judge you etc etc . So actually this post should help me to just pull myself together and eat my lunch like a normal human being without feeling bad about it. If I skip this meal ,I will binge later and I really don’t want that.

Tag: fat

Hear me out.

Hungry