Misery

~ heavysideoflife ~ Leave a comment

I feel like I’m in some kind of limbo of misery.  This whole pandemic is starting to really get on my nerves .

Maybe it was bothering me before,but I pretend that it didn’t ? That sounds like something I would do.

Before my break down nearly 2  years ago, I would push myself to the limits and act like I can handle it all. I was avoiding people who were trying to address the possible issue that I’m having.  I thought that, as long as I can stand on two legs, I’m good to go. I did some weird things . Eating at work in the toilet ,because I was afraid what others would say if they sow me eating all this stuff. Buying an extra big bag so I can fit all my snacks in the morning and after I am done with work, because I would also eat on the way home. I would put some music on, and I would feel like all these people in the train are not really there, so I can just sit in my safe bubble . At that time I really didn’t consider this as something weird. I do now.

I guess the good thing is that I really didn’t binge in the last week. I was able to stop myself before I was too far gone. 

That sounds like a little win, but doesn’t feel like one though. I wish I could move more . This part is getting harder and harder ,since my knee is hurting like a bitch. I feel angry at myself and my knee .I’m quite miserable at this point .I don’t think anybody really  knows how miserable ,but It’s ok. I’m not looking for pity, It’s just something I need to go through. I’ve been running away from feelings way too long. I need to believe that set back is not the end of the world, and that it doesn’t define who I am .

Maybe If I can just get through this, things will get better. 

Angry

~ heavysideoflife ~ Leave a comment

I’m very very angry .On a scale from 1 to 10  I would give it a solid 12 . You will understand why after reading this post.

Growing up being me was not very pretty .It was wrong from the start. First – I was supposed to be a boy. Years ego ,you couldn’t check the sex of the baby. Yet my dad was convinced that I am a boy . I was told he was really surprised when it turned out that I’m a tiny little girl .

What a disappointment! 

Three years after I was born,my dad finally got his boy. My brother was born not breathing, they were fighting for his life for a few hours ,and by some miracle -or maybe the correct way to say it- thanks to the skills of the doctors  and nurses he was safed .

Everything changed .You could say that I was spoiled since as  a 3 years old I dared to complain that I’m not getting attention. And yes,I did complain a lot ,because I was talking a lot since I was very young , and as I was often reminded-my mouth just didn’t shut .

I was also told that there is no way I can remember what I was told at 3 years of age. Well I did remember. I still do.

After all, my  first memory is from when I was about 1 years old and I was given a bone from chicken leg to nibble(for my own sake I will not get into the exploring the chicken matter ).

But let’s get to the point (I promise there is one).

I remember people coming to visit my newly born brother. I was very social as a child,I was happy when we had people around,and It was in my very nature to greet everybody right at the door. There is nothing strange with that. 

However ,I remember like it was yesterday ,what they were telling me after my brother was born :

“oh we are not here for you,we came to see your brother”

“oh nooo,these toys are not for you,you didn’t deserve it,It’s for your brother who by miracle is now alive”

One aunt even told me ” oh my dear ,you don’t matter now ,your brother is more important “

I remember sitting in the corner by myself ,while everybody was just so excited about my him. I mean- he was a miracle  and a boy!! How lucky my parents were.

It all went downhill from there. I remember being super confused, not knowing what to do ,to get some attention. Of course at that time I didn’t understand it that way . It was all about my brother and I didn’t matter anymore . When I did something wrong – or as I would prefer to call it today -when I did something that every kid did when they were young- I was bitten up. With a hand , belt ,shoe, carpet beater ,poker (yes,the metal one ,that you use for your chimney).

My brother was spared at first,because you know- he was a miracle. He got his portion of beating when he was a bit older.

After some time ,I’ve had enough . I felt better everywhere else but home . 

I decided one day that I will run away to my uncle. He didn’t live very far . My cousins were always so nice to me ,they didn’t  hurt me , they would listen to me.

Moreover ,they were always happy to see me . Always.

Off I went.

Of course after some time – my parents found out where I was . I didn’t want to go back with them ,I was crying ,they promised me that we would talk it all over at home .

It was a warm summer evening ,and I remember that day like it was yesterday.

As soon as we entered the house ,I was told to put my pants down, and lay down on the little wooden chair ,so I could get my ass smashed with my fathers belt. 

We didn’t talk anything thru. It was a punishment time for me . My mother looked away,mentioning only that  I am a shame for them because of what I did adding “what the neighbours will think about us now.”When they finally realized that I was missing earlier that day , all the neighbourhood was alarmed . So naturally, the most important thing once I was at home was what the neighbourhood would think about my parents .

Priorities.

Eventually ,they managed to pull my pants down,force me on that stuppid little chair and beat me up until I was not able to cry anymore. Then when they were done,I was told to apologize for what I have done and swear that I will never ever run away again . I was 5 .

I did what I  was told. Until it was time for me to run away again. But next time I did it smarter (little did I know) . My dad was not at home ,and my mothers friend came by. They were busy with each other ,my brother was in his little bed and I was told that I can go outside and play in the front of the house. 

This was my chance ,I thought. My mom’s friend was at home,so even if I run away and they find me,there is no way I will get beaten in front of other people. 

My dad came back home early that day.

By now you probably know where I am going with this,so let me spare you the details. Dejavu. But this time ,with viewers. Well actually no viewers,listeners .

 My mom was sitting with her friend in the living room and I was asked to go to the kitchen,the doors closed and then the same thing happened all over again.

After it was all over,I was told to behave like nothing happened and also maybe to ” not cry so much ,because I had nothing to cry about”.

Crying is not allowed , even when you were punished after doing something wrong. Since I did something wrong – I was supposed to shut my mouth ,and prove that I will do better next time .

This was a breaking point for me. I realized that adults are not to be trusted ,and most of all ,they will not protect me.  This running away gig had to stop .It wasn’t working.

I was desperately in need for a friend . The kind of a friend that would hug me, that would listen to me,play with me and cheer me up,the one that understands and not judge,the one that I can always run away to without actually leaving the house.

That’s when the eating started. First innocent. There was this  powder milk in a blue bag,that you had to put with some water.It was for my brother. The powder itself tasted very nice. I can still remember it’s taste .I knew where they were putting it ,so I ate it ,when they were sleeping ,or watching a movie ,or simply  when they just  went away.Then came other stuff.I always made sure that nobody can see what I’m doing,what I’m eating or how much.

The beating didn’t stop of course as there was always a good reason to punish me.But I didn’t run away anymore. I stayed at home. I thought this is how things should be. I didn’t know any different.I was never alone anymore,my friend “Food” was with me all the time.

I spoke to my dad yesterday. It was not a nice conversation . He made me feel like little me again.My blood pressure went high,and in the end I tried to turn it all into the joke,but this pain and anger inside me was just too strong.

I was checking what kind of food I can order . Since it was quite late (lucky for me), choice was really limited. After searching for perfect food  for too long I just gave up.

That’s why I’m angry. I woke up today, feeling really uneasy. Dad was calling again,but I was not able to pick up the phone.  It made me physically ill .The feeling of misery was so present, and the will to binge was getting stronger and stronger.

For too long I was made to believe that I do not matter . That how I felt ,didn’t matter. With this in mind  it was always easier to turn to that one friend. The one that always took me to a blissful state of safe , calm ,where nothing else really mattered . Just me and my friend “”food”. 

Today my friend “food” was left all alone.

I have opened my laptop and started to write this post.

I didn’t binge today.  

Trust no one

~ heavysideoflife ~ Leave a comment

I trust no one since roughly 1994.

It’s fairly easy to distrust people .Imagine if you can’t really trust your own body .

I can’t trust mine.

I’m hungry when I’m sad .I’m hungry when I’m happy. I’m hungry when I’m mad .I’m hungry when I’m thirsty, but also, just like others -I’m hungry when I’m hungry.

Because of that I need to eat regularly . If I don’t ,it all goes to shit.

Like yesterday for example. I ate my breakfast very late. It was more a brunch then anything else really, but I didn’t eat enough. I felt miserable ,almost the whole day , my neck was killing me ,and I was just sitting on my couch feeling sorry for myself. On the top of that ,my neck pain ,usually comes together with headache, because why not .

Time went by so quickly ,and before I knew ,I was busy making dinner .After dinner however ,I didn’t eat anything . Well almost anything .I ate two pears , bit of popcorn (butter free popcorn ) ,4-5 small Oreo cookies ,some waffles(no sugar) and some coffee and buckets of my favorite tea. I didn’t binge. Still, I end up going to bed hungry. My head was hurting me so much ,but since it was really late I thought I can manage without food. Why have I done that? Not sure, most likely it was a punishment -I failed to eat how I suppose to, so now naturally I deserve to suffer . I felt like crap .

Right now I’m not even sure why I thought it was a great idea to punish myself in this manner hmmm…. Anyway I promised myself that the next day I will do better.

So far so good.

You are not alone

~ heavysideoflife ~ Leave a comment

Yesterday was a rough day.
I gave my husband a chance to read my blog.
To make it very clear. I didn’t make it to be perfect .I am not perfect nor I ever will be.
The only feedback I’ve got is that I’ve made some spelling mistakes.

English is not my native language. I learn it from songs that I was listening to on the radio when I was a kid .
I decided to write this blog in English for several reasons. Mainly ,because I hope that maybe someday ,there will be a girl or a boy out there, with eating disorder or depression, that would be able to relate to the things that I write about. And maybe, just maybe they will feel like they are not alone ,that they can relate to someone .

My meeting with Dietician was very much needed. I was trying to make it an online meeting ,as I didn’t feel like seeing other people . I’m happy that she made me come to her. I was very upset after the whole day of not having a normal conversation with my husband .I felt like a complete looser. I made mistakes ,therefore I’m a looser . That’s what overthinking does to you . That + very low self esteem . It’s so easy to bring someone down specially if they doubt themselves almost every step they make .

Ok. That was yesterday.

I don’t want to feel sorry for myself .I make changes in my life every day . Maybe they do not sound big enough for you , but they are huge for me. So maybe , just maybe I’m not a looser after all.

all right all right all right

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I did good in the last 2 days .No binge . No secret eating. A little butter-well actually it’s hard to call it butter ,it’s light, good for people with high cholesterol ,have no taste ,but is full of Omega 3 oils which I heard are good for humans. I continue to use less milk .Coffee is always sugar free .

If I was not on my period right now, and in process of switching my medication levels, I could even dare to say that I do quite all right .

Tomorrow -meeting with dietitian .

Hungry

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I was always told that I have no idea what real hunger means.

As a kid ,I was often forced to eat things, and I was surrounded with so much guilt because of it.

“You should be glad that you have food on your table “

“There are so many hungry kids in Africa and you are going to complain to me , that you don’t like the food or what is even worst, you ain’t going to empty the plate ??!?!?!?!?”

Followed with :

“You are ungrateful “

” You don’t love me “

“You are spoiled “

“You are horrible “

“It’s an insult for me, that you didn’t make your plate empty “

Most of the people who cooked when I was young were convinced that they are the best cooks ever. They were not bothered by cooking, and in their mind , I should be grateful that we have food at all ,since not everybody is so fortunate. This was their mantra.

My mom didn’t cook well at all. It was always the same food. She was never bothered. There was no real order in the kitchen. For example ,breakfast was only there on Sundays ,since my dad was not working on that day . The rest of the days were without breakfast. We did have sandwiches made for school, but it was more so others will not think , that my mother doesn’t take a good care for us.

My dad was into everything meat . Not the best example either ,but I must say It did change after he suffered from heart attack.

I often ate at my grandma’s. Mother of my mother. She was absolutely the worst.

She was making food that I didn’t always like. One time ,she made a soup ,that was simply horrible ,and I ended up vomiting it back on the plate. She forced me then to eat what I had vomited. I will never forget this and how it made me feel. She was so offended. I was staying at her house for about a week at that time, and she didn’t speak to me for several days. I was 5. In the end I was forced to apologize to her ,so she would speak to me again.

After all ,how did I dare not like her cooking???!!!

Since then I strongly believed that if it will ever happen next time, also with others – I can expect the same treatment .

Then came body shaming , food shaming ,bullying & even more confusion.

“Do you realized how many calories this has ??! ”

“Are you sure you are going to eat this ? “

“Why aren’t you as skinny as your cousin ?”

“Nobody will ever love you if you going to be fat “

The point was at that time -I was not fat. I was a not super skinny , but I was not as fat as I was made to believe. I was constantly compared with my cousin . Her body was nothing like mine . But this didn’t matter .The numbers matter . We were the same age ,so it was easy to say what our perfect weight should be . I always had kilo or two more than her ,and therefore -I was fat. Period.

I was about 5/6 years old then .That is also when my binge eating started.

The title of this post is “Hungry” Why ?

Because I’m very uncomfortable with this word. I’m hungry now , and just about to get some lunch. I decided to write something here to not feel so guilty about feeling this way.

My mind keeps on telling me stuff like -they will see you eating again ,they will judge you etc etc . So actually this post should help me to just pull myself together and eat my lunch like a normal human being without feeling bad about it. If I skip this meal ,I will binge later and I really don’t want that.

Heavy side of overthinking

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Day 3 & 4

I was occupied the whole day yesterday. I didn’t binge. I have manage to stay away from baklava for a day.

You know, those 3 pieces that I could not shut up about in previous posts .

After all, they were in the fridge, unnoticed by the rest of the family. I didn’t eat them yesterday though. My first thought was, that my husband is going to find out. I wrote about it here. He was not able to see this blog yet, but once it happens, he is going to judge me. Everyone will judge me.

Today I broke.

This voice in my head was even more intense after I was done eating. “You can always tell him that it was covered with mould, so I throw it away” or “I didn’t want to be tempted so I throw it away “.Then I thought- maybe I should just throw it away ???? On the other hand, it is food, why would I throw away food??? Maybe I should give it to one of my family members? But wait, it’s not a healthy snack, so why would I give it away?

Fucking Baklava.

Overthinking is hell. Overthinking about food is sickness.

Heavy side of the appointment Day 2

~ heavysideoflife ~ Leave a comment

I have issues. I went to bed yesterday thinking about food. I was awake until 3am,and my mind was everywhere except where it suppose to .

Breakfast was almost as usual. My husband made me a coffee with less milk, no sugar. I stayed away from the butter -so I guess this should be considered as a little win on my part. Who doesn’t like butter with fresh bread??? It was sill on the table. I looked at it ,once in a while . I don’t live alone , I live with skinny people, so they are allowed to eat what ever they want. At least in their minds. I need to cut on stuff. I must .

I hate this word .Must. Such an ugly word. Can you relate? It makes my stomach hurts .

I made an online shopping and ordered myself a fat people friendly butter, although I have serious doubts if this thing can be called this way. Oh and it helps with cholesterol ,so it should be good,right?

It’s all about food, since I need to eat 6 times a day .I usually don’t eat more then 5 times though because at some point of the day I would need to force food in myself.

I need to think about what I am going to eat next. It takes time. It’s annoying, It’s boring and I have an impression that I sound like someone who is obsessed with food. The voice inside my head keeps on telling me “You are fat and you talk about food all the time. How ridicules is that ?? “Trying not to listen to that voice is really hard.

Today I’ve had an appointment with my work doctor. Every time it happens I feel very tens. In fact so tens that I was not able to eat anything after my first meal of a day.

Skipping meals is not good for me. Easer to binge afterwards ,specially considering all the stress. So if they tell you to keep it 5-6 meals a day -do it.

And of course not 5-6 meals size XXXLLLLLL . Anyway, I’m not an expert and you should ask your dietician for more information.

As I mentioned before ,this blog is also a part of my therapy . Yesterday ,I was trying to write an email to my therapist twice, to let her know that I did it ,I put this blog up, but I got cold feet . What if she will think it’s lame ? Boring ? Stupid ? (and yes, that’s voice in my head is speaking -encouraging as hell )

The hardest part of living with eating disorder is the fact that it’s easier to pretend to not have an issue at all ,then to actually face the truth. Letting other people know what you are going thru is tuff. It feels like being naked really . They will know where to punch you if they ever need to hurt you. I guess by writing this blog I decided to just take my chances.

Little update on baklava – still safe in the fridge . All 3 pieces… After having an appointment with my work doctor … Very shyly & very quiet I feel like calling it a little success.

Heavy Side of a little bit of everything

~ heavysideoflife ~ Leave a comment

Writing here and starting this blog was an easy decision(probably the easiest decision I’ve made in a very long time).

I want to be honest here. No sugar coating.

I’m a mom, wife, friend, human. I’m also morbidly obese, diagnosed with depression, PTSD and eating disorder called BAD –Binge Eating Disorder .

First of all ,I don’t like how it’s called. In my personal opinion it doesn’t describe the seriousness of it. You can binge watch “Orange is the new black ” on Netflix, but binge eating?

I was not convinced.

I was also very very wrong ,and if you know me in person- YOU KNOW for a FACT that I absolutely hate to be wrong.

But anyway ,that was long time ago. Let’s focus on what is now.

I’m currently busy with my therapy and this blog is going to be an active part of it.

So let’s start day by day.

Day 1.

I had my therapy session in the morning.

We have talked about the last few weeks. They were pretty rough ,I binged a lot.

The last meeting before Christmas I find out that my cholesterol is very high. It was horrible to hear it . I was shocked . I cried the whole way back home. It was a wake up call. But hey, I don’t give up that easily ,so after I came back home I started with what I thought in my opinion were small steps- use less fat milk for example. Me, the milk lover. Then I decide to not put sugar in my coffee anymore. My dietitian told me to do it step by step ,but I got so scared, I panicked. My results are so bad ,I need to change immediately. It back fired later on with binge eating. That feels like shit. But before it feels like shit , It actually feels good . Not sure for how long it feels that way .When it happens ,time stops/or passes very fast.

I can’t hear anything around me. To explain it better – when I binge eat ,you can be standing in front of me, telling me that I have just won 600 mln $ and I will not hear it at all. I’m in my own safe bubble that my brain created specially for me.

The “fun” part starts after the bubble bursts .

If you want to see me when I think absolutely the worst about myself -that is the time to do it.

Few months back I would be considering vomiting ,because it will be like I didn’t binge at all. I can do it when the house is empty ,nobody will hear it ,so it’s like it didn’t happen. Perfect solution !

I still think about doing it sometimes. Like for example yesterday ,after eating enormous amount of cookies and baklava. I didn’t do it .I was able to convince myself that it was not a good idea. Vomiting doesn’t really make me feel any better. That’s when I actually think the lowest about myself .

Today I didn’t binge. It was a long day. I ate like I should. I used less milk in my coffee ,didn’t eat any cookies. I do know however, that there are 3 pieces of baklava in the fridge. I try not to think about them . There were 6 baklavas in that box. I ate 3 already a day before. How I am going to explain it to the rest ? I can eat it all by myself and then nobody will ever know that we had them in the first place…. but then, after that I will need to eat more. 3 pieces of baklava will not be enough.

It’s almost time to go to bed. I think I’m hungry. I might be just thirsty .I can’t stop thinking about food. It makes me feel sad that I think about it so much.

That’s all.