Invisible
Invisible. I should be sleeping right now after doing, what I recently found out to be called by some a graveyard shift. I don’t know if it is my period talking, tired talking, or ugly heavy girl with a bunch of insecurities talking, but I do not feel so good about myself today and felt…
Happiness, where are you?
Doing stuff on a regular basis is not my biggest strength. If I have to do something, there is a good chance that I will jeopardize it. It’s the sentence “you have to”. The little kid in me(or not so little) scream in my head something like “Fuck you, I don’t have to at all”…
logic is not always logical
It’s been a while, I know. Felt like writing something down, for my own sake. My therapy for eating disorder is officially over since August, and I was advised that I’m all good and all I need to do now is lose weight. The solution to this would be the obesity clinic. I was supposed…
Me & my demons.
I’m extremely busy nowadays. I’m in my second week of a new job. Also, I’m going to finish treatment for my eating disorder very soon. It’s because I am magically cured after almost 1,5 years of treatment. Or am I ? I can tell you know with full honesty that I am not cured. I…
Stress
It has been a while. I had few attempts to sit and write something ,but didn’t really feel like it. Currently I’m not happy with how things are going.I haven’t stood on the scale in a while and scared like hell to do it . Treatment for my eating disorder is about to finish soon,and…
Stupid
I binged yesterday. I hide the food that I ate from everyone. I put the candy papers in the bin, and then covered them with other stuff. Then I put some food to my bag. You know ,like the old times, and took it with me upstairs, to watch some TV on my laptop. Then…
Trauma
My dad called me two times yesterday, not in the best of times, to be very honest. I didn’t pick up ,and also didn’t call back. If it’s something urgent-especially for him ,he would try to text me too, or send something via messenger . Anyway. I went to bed, and had one nightmare after…
Scale
I went on the scale today.It was less than last time ,but not life changing less. There was no binge eating happening recently. I’ve made a lot of changes in my daily food related routine, and still ,the scale didn’t show it. I should probably move more…I wish I could go swimming for example. I…
War
Writing this is not easy. I’m a mom myself,and just thought that there will come a day when my child will blame me for all her issues or unhappiness scares the shit out of me. I’m sure that at some point she will realize how fucked up her mom actually can be.I hope that she…
Hear me out.
” I’m smarter than you. I look better in this sweater . You have a big mouth. Are you sure you are going to eat that? You are not pretty. Nobody will want someone as fat as you are. Your belly is not as flat as mine. Your boobs are way too big. You are…
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Heavy Side of Life 