Happiness, where are you?

Doing stuff on a regular basis is not my biggest strength. If I have to do something, there is a good chance that I will jeopardize it. It’s the sentence “you have to”. The little kid in me(or not so little) scream in my head something like “Fuck you, I don’t have to at all” quite frequently.

I believe it’s the result of not being able to do much of the things that I wanted to do when I was growing up. All the choices that I had to make were in consideration of others’ feelings, needs, requests, and expectations.

It’s like being programmed to do whatever is expected from you instead of doing what you actually want to do(and even that often does not work at all).

It’s been a hell of a journey so far. Next month I finally have an appointment in the obesity clinic. They will try to help me lose weight since even though I know I have an eating disorder, and for some time I was able to manage my binge eating, things are not going so well. There are those huge amounts of sadness, frustration, and anger in me that I have trouble containing(?), keep in check(?)…not really sure what is the best way to put it.
Bingin feels sometimes like an out-of-body experience. I’m physically there, but mentally faaaar faaaaaaar away. I hate it and it scares me.

Like if life was not difficult enough. Why does it always have to be fighting?
Fighting to get better, stronger, slimmer, smarter, more beautiful, and all this without letting yourself get weak & tired. While keeping everything in check, maintain a “healthy adult life”, go to work, raise your kids, take care of your house and your family and friends.

I don’t think it is possible to be perfect doing all those things, and I struggle with that very much, because if I fail at something- they will know. I don’t even know who “they “are exactly. But it will be out there- I’m not perfect and people will know. I hope “they” will not care.
Because really, everybody is busy with their own shit, and I guess everyone struggles in one way or another. If you don’t however struggle and your life is perfect- I’m happy for you, please do not rub it in. Let me struggle in peace, let me be myself. Let me work this shit out on my terms.

Happines, I’m on to you.

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