Me & my demons.

I’m extremely  busy nowadays.

I’m in my second week of a new job.

Also, I’m going to finish treatment for my eating disorder very soon.

It’s because I am magically cured after almost 1,5 years of treatment.

Or am I ?

I can tell you know with full honesty that I am not cured. I don’t believe that you can be cured from that. It is a danger that I will always have to be very aware of. It is after all addiction, although I know many do not like to call it that way.

When I struggled with my postpartum depression ,I got a one year treatment. My insurance company strongly believed that after 12 months, therapy does magic and simply fixes everything. Well it doesn’t , but if you can pay 100 Euro, per hour they can fix me a little bit more.

But then it’s your responsibility. If you still need treatment after 12 months it means you didn’t do your best perhaps you didn’t try hard enough. So the last meeting payed by my insurance company looked like a joke. In about 45 minutes ,like in a Disney movie I was made to believe that everything that could be done, was done. And if I was not cured ,then oh well…I could pay some more to get better this time. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough in the past year?

And I stil there like an alien, back to square one. Full of doubts and even more questions .

Because we, depressed people are so good with that ! We can handle all setbacks so well. And we just love the self doubt  !  ….Not.

So this happened to me  7 years ago.4 years later I ended up heavily depressed ,burned out, with diagnosed Ptsd and an eating disorder.

Since then I came a long way. I have truly and literally faced my demons .

We are not friends yet, most likely we will never be .But we are learning to understand each other. We are ,after all  on my side.

So yea,since this treatment is going to end soon, we ,and if it was not clear enough yet- WE=my demons and me  – are a little bit worried. Full of hope. But fuck,we are worried. 

We did learn a few things in the meantime . We have no filter. We look forward to what is coming next. We are fragile. We are very sensitive, we don’t know it all, but we are still here, working and fighting to get better, and we are not giving up, I can, Dear Reader, promise you that.

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