It has been a while.
I had few attempts to sit and write something ,but didn’t really feel like it.
Currently I’m not happy with how things are going.I haven’t stood on the scale in a while and scared like hell to do it .
Treatment for my eating disorder is about to finish soon,and I feel like I’m a little bit lost.
A lot of things are changing .I don’t like changes . I’m not a fan.
Here what is going on.
Haven’t seen my therapist live for a few meetings now,which was due to my sickness or because I had to wait for test results for Covid-19 . Talking online is not the same. It feels more responsible for my bad decision when I can be held accountable ,when actually present .
I have days when I feel that I am not strong enough to pull it through. I know I am not losing enough weight,and that makes me very upset.There was this period of time,where I ate like a pro. I felt quite good about myself,until I realised that things are going wrong .I was drinking beer/cider. One can per day (or sometimes 2-3) everyday for a little bit longer than a week. I don’t even recall drinking it all,until I notice how many cans have gone from the fridge. I knew what was happening. I was searching for a bubble replacement.
You know,that safe bubble that I was able to escape to when I was binging .
It’s such a danger to come from one addition to another.My traumatized ass can be in readly dark place at times,and it’s hard then to not to lock yourself in that dramatic spiral.
Haven’t drunk anything in a while now. Don’t feel like it.The bubble ,that was my comfort once,now scares the shit out of me. It’s a constant reminder that something is wrong with me.That no matter what happens,this sick part of me will always be there,maybe sleeping,inactive but still there. This though ,with the fact that treatment will be finishing soon brings me a lot of stress. I know ,there is a possibility to continue the therapy someplace else ,but reliving everything that happened to me is not fun.
To not be all negative I have some things to look forward too. Possibly a new job,which means the end of a very long and nerve jangled period in my life ,where my binge eating ,depression and PTSD grew more in power and gained +40 kg . Where the stress levels were so high, that I was able to dissociate myself from the surroundings,also while occasionally driving a car on my way back home.End of a period when I strongly believed, that I was not good enough,that I need to change my whole personality,because I do not fit in.A period ,when I was convinced that this is it-there is nothing better out there for me.Period of time when I didn’t want to be alive anymore.
I wish I was able to realize earlier that a job is not something that defines who I am as a person.That health is more important than numbers.That I matter .How I feel matters.
Walking away feels good.Feels right,especially that I’m not going away alone.This place took a lot from me,but gave me a chance to meet some wonderful people that I can now call my Friends.
See,told you,I’m not all negative!
(Now let me try to believe in that)