Stupid

I binged yesterday.

I hide the food that  I ate from everyone.

I put the candy papers in the bin, and then covered them with other stuff. Then I put some food to my bag. You know ,like the old times, and took it with me upstairs, to watch some TV on my laptop. Then I hid the food under the pillow, so my husband couldn’t see it, in case he would come to check on me. Then when everyone went to bed, I ate some more. I covered some things in the toilet paper and then threw them in our bin in the toilet. You can’t tell that it’s food .Nobody will ever find out. The rest I decided to throw away outside the house. I knew I had to do some shopping next day, so with this came another possibility to hide stuff.

I didn’t think straight. I was at my lowest. 

I was forced to make some kind of test that would check how smart I am for my job interview.

The results were not good. There it was ,almost on paper, screaming to me – “YOU ARE STUPID”. 

I hate those tests. I want to believe that it doesn’t define who I am, but It feels like I am not strong enough to do that.

Since I’m fat & ugly (and no, I’m not looking for pity by saying this, just admitting the facts ) ,I was hoping that maybe I do have some brains instead. 

And then when I started to binge, I got my confirmation. “You are not only ugly and fat,you are indeed also stupid.I mean look at yourself now.Look what you are doing to yourself!!!That can only be descirbe as stupid.You are such  a looser.How are you still alive?!” –  I kept telling myself over and over again. I cried a lot in silence. At home,only my dog knew that something was wrong ,and didn’t want to leave my side. 

Today I didn’t binge.

I shared my worries with a friend .

“I’m still alive,I’m still here”

While I had my PTSD treatment , we were told to say out loud ,what is the one thing about us,that we are the most proud of. I couldn’t think of anything.

When it was my turn to speak ,I said without any hesitation “The thing ,that I’m most proud about myself is that I never give up.”

Yesterday was a setback. Today is a new day, and I refuse to give up.

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