Misery

I feel like I’m in some kind of limbo of misery.  This whole pandemic is starting to really get on my nerves .

Maybe it was bothering me before,but I pretend that it didn’t ? That sounds like something I would do.

Before my break down nearly 2  years ago, I would push myself to the limits and act like I can handle it all. I was avoiding people who were trying to address the possible issue that I’m having.  I thought that, as long as I can stand on two legs, I’m good to go. I did some weird things . Eating at work in the toilet ,because I was afraid what others would say if they sow me eating all this stuff. Buying an extra big bag so I can fit all my snacks in the morning and after I am done with work, because I would also eat on the way home. I would put some music on, and I would feel like all these people in the train are not really there, so I can just sit in my safe bubble . At that time I really didn’t consider this as something weird. I do now.

I guess the good thing is that I really didn’t binge in the last week. I was able to stop myself before I was too far gone. 

That sounds like a little win, but doesn’t feel like one though. I wish I could move more . This part is getting harder and harder ,since my knee is hurting like a bitch. I feel angry at myself and my knee .I’m quite miserable at this point .I don’t think anybody really  knows how miserable ,but It’s ok. I’m not looking for pity, It’s just something I need to go through. I’ve been running away from feelings way too long. I need to believe that set back is not the end of the world, and that it doesn’t define who I am .

Maybe If I can just get through this, things will get better.