Heavy side of the appointment Day 2

I have issues. I went to bed yesterday thinking about food. I was awake until 3am,and my mind was everywhere except where it suppose to .

Breakfast was almost as usual. My husband made me a coffee with less milk, no sugar. I stayed away from the butter -so I guess this should be considered as a little win on my part. Who doesn’t like butter with fresh bread??? It was sill on the table. I looked at it ,once in a while . I don’t live alone , I live with skinny people, so they are allowed to eat what ever they want. At least in their minds. I need to cut on stuff. I must .

I hate this word .Must. Such an ugly word. Can you relate? It makes my stomach hurts .

I made an online shopping and ordered myself a fat people friendly butter, although I have serious doubts if this thing can be called this way. Oh and it helps with cholesterol ,so it should be good,right?

It’s all about food, since I need to eat 6 times a day .I usually don’t eat more then 5 times though because at some point of the day I would need to force food in myself.

I need to think about what I am going to eat next. It takes time. It’s annoying, It’s boring and I have an impression that I sound like someone who is obsessed with food. The voice inside my head keeps on telling me “You are fat and you talk about food all the time. How ridicules is that ?? “Trying not to listen to that voice is really hard.

Today I’ve had an appointment with my work doctor. Every time it happens I feel very tens. In fact so tens that I was not able to eat anything after my first meal of a day.

Skipping meals is not good for me. Easer to binge afterwards ,specially considering all the stress. So if they tell you to keep it 5-6 meals a day -do it.

And of course not 5-6 meals size XXXLLLLLL . Anyway, I’m not an expert and you should ask your dietician for more information.

As I mentioned before ,this blog is also a part of my therapy . Yesterday ,I was trying to write an email to my therapist twice, to let her know that I did it ,I put this blog up, but I got cold feet . What if she will think it’s lame ? Boring ? Stupid ? (and yes, that’s voice in my head is speaking -encouraging as hell )

The hardest part of living with eating disorder is the fact that it’s easier to pretend to not have an issue at all ,then to actually face the truth. Letting other people know what you are going thru is tuff. It feels like being naked really . They will know where to punch you if they ever need to hurt you. I guess by writing this blog I decided to just take my chances.

Little update on baklava – still safe in the fridge . All 3 pieces… After having an appointment with my work doctor … Very shyly & very quiet I feel like calling it a little success.

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